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No talent ass clowns
Band History
Formed in 1995 in Kings Nose, NJ, world-famous heavy metal band The No Talent Ass Clowns are known for their signature tune, Blow Chunks Ballet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8pPtYepzTE). Front man Lars Gunblade (far left in photo) has caused controversy by tasing concertgoers from the stage (which has caused a number of fatalities), getting hundreds of groupies pregnant (carefully charted in a blog) and faking the band's death in February 2011.
Since their return to touring, the band has broken up, then reformed two days later. Bassist Tarquin Chard was dismissed from the band for "asshole-ism" but he rejoined the band two days later. Band members are rumored to dislike each other intensely but are keeping the band together because of the money and the seemingly endless procession of groupies with low self-esteem.
The No Talent Ass Clowns were banned from the annual Historic Dildo Days Festival in Dildo, Newfoundland in 2010 after wrecking a bed and breakfast and, as rumor has it, getting Mayor Mickey Stubbs' daughter pregnant. Strangely, they returned in 2011 and singer Lars Gunblade wound up fatally tasing six concertgoers during the concert. He laughed off the incident and was never charged.
The band launched a touring blimp in 2010 in an attempt to outdo Led Zeppelin's touring airplane of the 1970s. Equipped with hot tubs and private bedrooms, the blimp made headlines when the band tried to race a naval blimp during the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. In 2011, the blimp exploded over Greenland and the band was thought to have been eaten by polar bears. Weeks later, the band announced the accident was a stunt and that they had paid Greenland locals to be mauled by the polar bears. Another blimp was launched shortly afterwards and remains in use today.
In 2011, the band was kicked out of a sex addiction clinic in California for staging orgies. At least one fundamentalist Christian church in North Carolina worships the band and their CDs in spite of abundant ass-related lyrics in every song.
Singer Lars Gunblade maintains a long-standing feud with Foo Fighters front man, Dave Grohl after the two had a falling out in the 1990s. Grohl now refuses to even acknowledge that he knows Gunblade.
Band members refuse to state their musical influences except to say that they are huge fans of British heavy metal band Bad News.
The No Talent Ass Clowns insist on releasing every album on Edison Cylinders, even though the format has been dead since 1915. Each album also appears on 8-Track tape. To date, no cylinders have been purchased and 8-Track tapes account for 0.0001% of sales.
The [blog][1] on their web site chronicles their various seamy exploits and strange touring venues, including Consumption Auditorium in Kings Nose, NJ (which still hasn't been condemned).
Band Members
Current members
- Lars Gunblade - singer (1995-present)
- Vas Defrens - guitar (1995-present)
- Tarquin Chard - bass (1995-present)
- Joey Van Dundro - drums/cow bell (1995-present)
Former members
- Vulgar Smith - drums (1995)
Discography
Studio Albums
| Year | Album Details | Peak Chart Positions | Music recording sales certification|Certification (List of music recording sales certifications|sales thresholds) |
|---|---|---|---|
| US Albums Chart | |||
| 1995 | Behind The Times
|
122,000 | |
| 1999 | Pucker Factor
|
121,996 | |
| 2008 | Say Hello To My Posterior
|
191,899 | |
| 2012 | Ass On Demand
|
115,012 |
Live Albums
| Year | Album Details | Peak Chart Positions | Music recording sales certification|Certifications (List of music recording sales certifications|sales thresholds) |
|---|---|---|---|
| US Albums Chart | |||
| 2003 | Live At Consumption Auditorium
|
110,011 |
Record Label
Since 1995, the band has been with No, Not There! Records. The label is owned by infamous Jerry Gold, who is also the Ass Clowns manager. Gold is often called upon to spring band members from jail. Remarkably, Lars Gunblade served no jail time after killing six concertgoers with a taser in 2011. Gold is rumored to have paid off more than two dozen police departments to keep the band out of jail and on tour.
Controversies
- The band is associated with the practice of "ass clowning," which is where drunk concertgoers break into cars in the parking lot and crap on the driver's seat. The ritual happens exclusively at No Talent Ass Clowns shows.
- The band demands that all female concertgoers attend topless. Violators are ejected from the venue, unless they are ugly.
- In 2010, ex-Ass Clowns drummer, Vulgar Smith, was killed shortly after writing a negative blog about singer Lars Gunblade. Gunblade was suspected but never charged.
- The release of their 2012 CD Ass On Demand sparked a wave of protests across the country from conservatives who objected to the cover art as well as the over-the-top ass-related content.
- Recent rumors suggest that guitarist Vas Defrens' famous New York City restaurant The Ass House has been killing unhappy customers and putting them in the house stew. To date, no official investigation has taken place.
- In 2011, front man Lars Gunblade demanded that all other bands retire within 30 days due to the fact that The No Talent Ass Clowns said everything about rock music that needed to be said. His demand was ignored.
- in 2011, Lars Gunblade became the fifth person to accuse presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual harassment, stating that Cain wanted to "put extra cheese on me and have a giant slice." The mainstream media completely ignored this story.
- When their blimp passed over Australia, the band dumped the contents of the toilets on a kangaroo preserve. Days later mutated kangaroos began killing picnickers. The band was never charged.
- Wikileaks revealed in 2011 that Gitmo interrogators used the band's "Blow Chunks Ballet" to torture prisoners.
